Things are starting to wind down.
I'm just about finished with all of my large projects (I have two or three left). It seems like yesterday that I was looking through my syllabuses and filling in all of the project's due dates in my planner. They seemed to be looming over me, always down the road. I expected to be crying from stress, sweating blood and losing weight. I did get a bit nervous about assignments a few times (and have actually lost a few pounds). Overall though, I've survived unscathed and without too much sleep deprivation.
I'm starting to say goodbye to my familiar surroundings and friends. I get a sinking feeling every time people start talking about an event...stop...because they realize that I won't be around to partake in all of their fun and pleasures. This isn't exactly dampening my expectations of Lithuania in any way but it still makes me feel a little bad knowing that I will be missing something that everyone else will be enjoying. It's going to be weird not being in on all of the inside jokes which so frequently surround me.
Another step in life. I'm an old hand at moving and don't always enjoy it. I've sometimes used moving as a way of escaping from something. I get a new beginning. Who will I be in Lithuania? Serious? Nerdy? Foolish U.S. American? Hairy Argentine? Someone who asks too many rhetorical questions? Labas? Viso Gero? No ones knows except you know who... I'm not running from anything now.
It has to happen though. I need to get out of America and see the world. I need to taste new foods, hear cartoons in new languages, and see where my grandparents grew up and had their first kiss. I filled out my visa application yesterday. I had to apply for a student visa to Bolivia once, but that wasn't in a language that I didn't understand.
Things are going to be ok though. I want to know how to balance my friendships. I want to know how to live fully in Lithuania and yet not return to a bunch of people that I used to know 8 months before. I also don't want to leave Lithuania not having truly met anyone after being there a whole semester. My plea to God is that He show me these things, give me peace of heart about leaving loved ones behind, and reassure me about these new steps in life.
Give me this opportunity and I will try with all my might to make the most of it. Watch me.
*I write this as I listen to music from home, sit in my living room in Upland, and dream of being in Europe. Things are starting to pick up...*
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3 comentarios:
Good post. I felt very similar before I left... like everyone was going to move on without me and I wouldn't have any friends when I got back. I'll still be your friend, Jos.
Thanks Ames...that means a lot to me. :)
Josue:
As I look through your face changes, I find myself looking beyond your faces to the scenery behind you and am shocked when I see how many places I recognize. Pretty cool. I think I'll still be your friend too. And since you don't live close enough to attend my pumpkin carving parties anyway, I can still tell you about my goings-on, and you can still not attend them.
Except Christmas. I'll be in West Michigan for Christmas. We should chill. Ben too? Donde esta Ellie?
Also, I think it was right before I left TU for Ireland that I realized there was only one person going to Ireland and then to camp the next summer with me: Jesus. I decided that Jesus and I needed to be really good friends. When I look back on it, I think, "Renee, you were such a dork--both Ireland and camp were only three-four months long!" But in other ways--they're so long. The unknown always stretches out indefinitely before us.
And then the unknown becomes known, and you realize that you can make your way around the city without a map (at least to all your usual familiar places). And you realize that the people aren't scary, you've met more people than you can count who can speak English, and life is... well... adventurous.
But you know this. I've watched you change cultures before. You're one of the most adaptive people I know. Provecho.
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